i worked on this on and off for a month or two in early 2021 and even posted it, but hated the ending and deleted it. n its been sitting around for a While but here we are! i realized that i could split it up into chapters and post what ive already finished lmao.
shoutout to black dresses' WASTEISOLATION album and blood oath by alice glass for being my main soundtrack while writing this. the title is from wiggle by black dresses (which is on wasteisolation!)
warnings: graphic PTSD symptoms (panic attacks, paranoia, etc), the entire thing is centered around rape trauma but contains no rape or flashbacks
tags: danger days
CHAPTER ONE
“Fuck!” Vaya whipped around to see Val crumple to the ground. He was grabbing at his waist and shoulder, trying to reach a spot near his back with smoke rising from it. Vaya shoved a Drac off of them, blasting it in the head, and shot at the Drac that had gotten Val. It fell to the ground, and Vaya was able to run over in time to shoot it again. They crouched down, hands hovering near the burned away leather. Val pushed himself to his feet, stumbling slightly, and tugged off his jacket with a scowl- from pain or annoyance, Vaya couldn’t tell.
“How bad is it?” Vaya asked uselessly, trying to get closer to the injury. Val turned sharply away and refused to look at them.
“It’ll be fine, let’s just get home,” he growled, staring down at the Drac Vaya had shot. They were about to pester him more when Vamos barreled into them.
“Holy shit, you were so cool, Vaya!” They squealed, looping their arms around Vaya’s neck and nearly pulling them down. “Volume, weren’t they fucking awesome?”
Volume gave a thumbs up, followed by Vinyl.
“Thanks, Vaya,” Val mumbled, clutching his jacket to his chest. Vaya beamed at the rare gratitude from Val and hugged Vamos back.
“The jacket took the worst of the burn,” Volume explained to Vaya. They were sitting on the kitchen counter, watching Volume examine Val’s injury. “You were right for once when you said you were fine, Val,” he continued. Val only grumbled in reply, head resting in his crossed arms as he laid on the craft table that had been dragged in.
“Are we gonna clean that afterwards?” Vaya asked, pointing to the table.
“It’s not like he’s bleeding on it,” Volume said, “it’s the same as you sitting on that counter.”
“He’s gonna get Val germs on it,” Vaya said, sticking their tongue out.
“You’re gonna get Vaya germs on the floor when I knock you on your ass,” Val retorted.
Volume ruffled Val’s hair and dodged when he flailed an arm in response. “Wait til I’m done cleaning this to attack Vaya.”
“I’m gonna get out of range,” Vaya chuckled, hopping off the counter and walking into the main room in the Nest. They clambered over the back of the couch to sit next to Vamos, who was recounting their clap to some kid who’d stayed the night. Vaya added embellishments and squabbled with Vamos until the story was so muddled they couldn’t even remember what was correct. At some point the kid disappeared, and Vamos had gotten up to help Vinyl patch Val’s jacket.
Vaya was lounging on the couch and picking at their nail polish when they heard a shout and a clatter coming from behind them. They twisted around to see Val bolt out of the kitchen, tripping over his feet, and turn around with a hand on his holster. Volume was standing in the doorway, wide-eyed with his hands raised. Val didn’t draw his gun, but kept his eyes locked on Volume. He was breathing hard, chest heaving and nostrils flared.
Vaya stood up, making themself move slowly around the couch so as to not startle Val. He watched them out of the corner of his eye. Vaya could sense Vamos and Vinyl standing somewhere off to the side, but no one made a sound. The air was heavy and suffocating, Val’s frantic breathing the loudest thing in the room.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Volume said softly, tentatively breaking the silence. He took a step forward, and Val took a large step back.
“You didn’t,” Val snapped, not even bothering to hide the way his voice faltered with the lie. He backed up again with a hand bracing him against the wall.
“What happened?” Vaya said, looking between Val and Volume.
“He was off-balance, so I grabbed his shoulder and-” Volume sighed, gesturing weakly to Val’s defensive stance. Val shifted from side to side, curling and uncurling his fingers with a vacant stare. Volume inched backwards and said, “No one here’s gonna hurt you, Val,” his voice forcibly measured.
“I fucking know that-” Val cut himself off with a rough, high-pitched shout that Vaya knew would make Vamos cover their ears. Their prediction was correct when Val turned his attention to Vamos and Vinyl behind them, their twin’s hands clapped firmly against their head. Val’s face twisted rapidly from a sympathetic grimace to a menacing scowl. He whipped around and stormed into the bedroom behind him, slamming the door shut. Vamos flinched again and slowly removed their hands from their ears.
“Is it over?” They asked sarcastically.
There was a dull thud- probably Val punching the wall- followed by silence. Vinyl shrugged.
“I swear to Destroya I didn’t do anything,” Volume said. “It was more of a nudge than a grab. I barely moved him before he ran out.”
“No one doubts that.” Vamos replied dryly. “Just let him cool off and he’ll be fine. He’s always been like this.”
They were right; ever since Vaya and Vamos had met Val when he was fourteen, he’d get angry with no real warning. But he’d never reacted this strongly to something. Usually when someone touched him he’d wave it off and be fine, like when Volume ruffled his hair in the kitchen. He never got so… scared. Vaya looked at the bedroom door and back to Vamos, who sighed and walked over to hold their hand.
“Does anyone wanna go to the skate park?” Volume suggested, then lowered his voice to add, “Val probably won’t appreciate us talking about him right next door.”
Vinyl took the initiative and disappeared into the front room to grab the few skateboards they had, returning with a quiet excitement that eased Vaya's worries the slightest bit. They hadn’t been to the skate park in a while, and it was always fun to hang around and look at the decades-old layers of graffiti. There were plenty of new additions to the cracked concrete, but the old stuff was Vaya’s favorite. Maybe they’d get some inspiration for a new painting on the outside of the Nest that could distract them all from Val’s outburst.
The sun had started to set by the time the four of them made it back to the Nest. It was mercifully empty; Vaya didn’t know if they could handle being around more people after the turbulent day they’d had. None of the lamps appeared to be on, and it was silent as they entered. Vamos was the first to poke their head into the main room, returning with a whispered, “The door’s still closed.”
“Did he stay there all day?” Volume asked. No one had an answer, but Vaya could guess.
“Maybe he fell asleep,” they supplied. “Probably tired out from the… panic attack.” Fuck, that’s definitely what it was. They felt bad for leaving him alone now. The same realization seemed to dawn on all of them, and Vinyl made it halfway across the room before Vamos and Vaya caught him by the arm.
“Don’t barge in on him!” Vamos hissed. Vinyl looked nervously between Vamos and the door, before backing away slightly until he was released. Vamos let out a long sigh. “I don’t know what the fuck to do with him,” they said flatly.
“He’s never panicked in front of us,” Vaya added. They and Vamos had known Val the longest, but the worst that had happened was when he grabbed Vamos’ wrist and threw them a yard away, and that was pretty badass once they got over the injury.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine as long as we’re quiet,” Volume said. “He didn’t get any worse while you were moving slowly, Vaya.”
That was true. Val had kept an eye on Vaya, but he didn’t back away or lash out like he’d done with Volume. “It can’t be you that checks on him,” they said to Volume. “You’re the one that scared him. No offense.”
“I vote Vaya,” Vamos said. They threw their arms out when everyone stared at them. “What? I’m not doing it, and when has Vinyl ever succeeded in being nonthreatening?” Vinyl just shrugged at that. Vamos sat on the top of the couch. “Whatever, decide amongst yourselves; Witch knows I’m not a good choice.”
As if I’m any better? Vaya wanted to retort. They were a little better at talking to people than Vamos, but not by a lot. The two of them had racked up quite the inflammatory reputation. Vinyl looked inclined to join Vamos on the couch. And Volume is the worst choice right now. “Fine, I can do it. You’re all useless,” they groaned, approaching the door and gently turning the handle.
The door opened with a creak, light splashing in from the lamps in the other room and throwing Vaya’s shadow across the wall. They shut it behind them and waited for their eyes to adjust before taking another step inside, taking care not to trip on one of the mattresses strewn about.
“Val?” They called quietly. “Have you been in here all day?”
There was no reply, but Vaya spotted a pile of blankets on a mattress against the far wall. They walked over slowly, and the blankets moved to reveal a very disheveled looking Val. He looked different without his white leather jacket. Skinnier. More like a teenager.
“The others send you in?” He mumbled, voice scratchy from disuse (and maybe crying, but Vaya didn’t want to think about that).
“Honestly? Kind of,” Vaya replied, sitting down in front of Val. “We’re all worried about you; we didn’t want whoever came in to make things worse.”
Val grumbled unintelligibly and laid down again. There was a lamp nearby, and Vaya switched it on, whispering an apology when Val squinted against the sudden light. “You sleep okay?” They asked, a feeble attempt to remain causal.
Val stared at the lamp, brows furrowed. “Leave me alone.”
“Can you at least tell me what freaked you out so bad? Volume said he barely touched you. What happened?”
“I don’t like being grabbed.”
Vaya fought the urge to roll their eyes. “No one does.”
“Okay, smartass, but I really don’t like it.”
“Alright, but how do we make all this-” Vaya gestured to Val and the dark room, “-not happen again?”
Val sat up again and glared at them. “You can’t fucking fix me, so just drop it.”
“I’m not trying to-” Vaya stopped, looking down at their lap. “I just wanna know what’s going on. We all do. This was… a weird day for all of us, wouldn’t it be best if we knew why it was so bad?”
“Go tell everyone I got molested, then!” Val spat. “You happy now? Got your explanation? Unlocked the tragic childhood backstory? Cool; now leave. Me. Alone.”
Vaya froze. "What?" There was a moment where Val's eyes went wide, the same way Volume’s did when he really regretted something. It disappeared, replaced by the same closed-off angry look he'd used with Vamos. "Val, what the fuck?"
“Nothing, just forget that.” Val curled into himself, bringing his knees to his chest. ”It’s not a big deal. I was exaggerating.”
While Vaya could appreciate Val’s attempt to strengthen his lie with his very real tendency to overreact to stupid shit, there was no way in hell they were believing him. They watched Val bury his face in his arms, his indignant demeanor somehow remaining despite how defeated he looked. The room was silent like it had been when Val had first panicked, and just as oppressive. Vaya’s heart was beating hard in their throat. They were out of their goddamn depth with this one.
“Val… if someone-”
“Don’t-” Val snapped, the word coming out in one sharp exhale and breaking off in an aborted sob. “Don’t start that. You’re not my goddamn mom.”
Vaya wanted to shoot back with something immediately, but found themself at a loss for words. Of course he was right, Vaya wasn’t a mother figure in the slightest, and neither was anyone in the crew, but there had to be something one of them could do. It was a big problem if one of the crew was going to be unpredictably sensitive to unexpected things- but the crew also cared about Val, dammit. Even if he was an asshole sometimes. Most of the time. Vaya loved him for his passion, and his constant sarcastic commentary, and how fucking hard he worked for what he believed in; they all did. Seeing someone so fiery and driven reduced to the trembling mess before them made Vaya upset beyond any sentence they could conjure up.
Val had loosened slightly in the stretch of silence. Vaya could faintly hear the others talking, probably on the far side of the main room. Destroya, let them stay out of this. If Vaya really was the best option for talking to Val, they could only imagine how badly it would go with anyone else in the room. At least his breathing was more even now. He was staring blankly ahead with his chin on his knees, eyes half-lidded.
“I was twelve,” he murmured. “I wasn’t small, but he was bigger than me. Older. I don’t know how much.” Vaya let him pause to take a deep breath. He sighed heavily, eyes shifting to Vaya briefly before returning to whatever spot on the wall he was trained on. “Being on my stomach like that freaked me out. When Vol went for my shoulder it was too much.”
“I’m sorry,” Vaya said softly. It wasn’t much- it wasn’t anything- but they hoped their feelings were clear enough.
Val didn’t reply. He didn’t look angry, though, and he’d used a nickname for Volume, so Vaya tentatively expected that things would be alright between them as a crew. They let out a sigh of their own and moved their legs out from under them. “Have you eaten?” Do you wanna stop talking about this and try to regain some normalcy?
“...No.”
“Wanna fix that?” When Val tensed again, Vaya added, “The others won’t push if they know what’s good for them.” Their friends were stupid and a little invasive, but they’d all been shaken up enough to avoid an obvious sore topic. Vaya cringed at the thought of trying to fill them in. Should they say anything at all? Vamos would be begging them for some kind of details later, and Volume was probably drowning in his own guilt, and Vinyl… Vinyl was unpredictable. It was likely that he’d act like nothing happened, but there was an equal chance he’d start hovering around Val all nervously until it got too unsettling to ignore.
Val pushed himself to his feet, scrubbing at his face and rubbing his arms against the sudden cold of not having a blanket. “I’m gonna need a second,” he said with a weak, humorless laugh. Vaya stood and let him pace small lengths of the room while they got their own emotions under control. Hopefully Val would be able to maintain some form of composure and have something to eat, and then he could get his jacket back and look less exposed. Vaya wasn’t used to seeing his arms. He’d been wearing that jacket when they and Vamos met him, and he never took it off. It used to be oversized.
“I think all we have is Power Pup,” Vaya said when Val seemed calm enough to exit the room. He wrinkled his nose with an exaggerated gagging sound.
“I think I’d rather starve.”
Vaya huffed a laugh and walked past him, reaching for the door. They looked back at him and waited for him to nod before they slowly opened it.
The first person they saw was Vamos, staring at the two of them and trying very hard not to look over-worried. Vinyl was near the doors to the front room, his head snapping up at the sound of the door creaking open.
Volume was the first to speak from his seat at the craft table, which had been moved back to its position behind the couch. “Hey! How… are you two?” His voice was gentle, forcibly so, the way that Vaya knew meant he was wrestling himself inside his head.
“He hasn’t eaten,” Vaya said, gesturing behind them.
“I need my jacket, too,” Val added. Vinyl grabbed the jacket from his chair- a broken recliner stuck partially back- and quickly crossed the room, handing it over with a small, unsure smile. Val shrugged it on with a glance at the new patch. It was pretty close in color and texture to the coat; Val had spent quite a lot on the few feet of fabric being sold. With his jacket in place, Val slid out from behind Vaya and all but bolted into the kitchen. Vaya made tense eye contact with the others and opted to watch Val dig around in the cabinets. He returned with a can of Power Pup in hand and leaned against the archway, gaze darting around the room.
“I’m okay now,” he said flatly. Vaya made a face at the statement that they knew Vamos spotted. It seemed Val had too, and he fixed Vaya with a glare. “That’s not something I plan on happening often. Just don’t grab me.”
“What if it does happen, though?” Volume asked, heart ever in the right place, words ever in the wrong one.
“Then you leave me alone.”
Vaya wanted to fucking scream. They wanted to sit Val down and make him tell the others, if only to have some goddamn clarity between them for once. They sat on the edge of the couch, and Vamos shuffled over to rest an arm behind them.
“I think we should talk about it later. Tomorrow,” Vaya said. “Can we just drop it for tonight?”
Volume looked to them, a near-desperate questioning look in his eyes, but Vaya ignored him. There was a lazy mumble of agreement from Vamos, and Vinyl had already busied himself with an old book he’d read a hundred times. Val looked tense all over again, staring intently into his can and holding his spoon with a white-knuckled grip. Vaya wasn’t going to make him talk, no matter how much they wanted to- they weren’t that much of an asshole. But none of them would be able to go back to normal until something was done about the whole... situation. They’d gone through this mess before when they and Vamos wouldn’t talk about their lives in the City, and the lack of trust almost got them all ghosted in a clap two years ago.
No one spoke up against them, so Vaya twisted around to sit on the couch properly next to Vamos. They were radiating the nervous energy they did when they really, really wanted to say something, but Vaya leaned on their shoulder with a tired sigh to keep their questions at bay. The room slowly calmed as the crew fell into their own separate activities; Volume absent-mindedly drawing on the table in pencil, Vinyl dozing off with his book, Vamos just keeping quiet next to them, and Val retreating into the kitchen silently. Vaya briefly wondered if it was going to be weird for them all to sleep in the bedroom before ending up unconscious on Vamos’ shoulder.
For Val, the event of waking up ambushed him, thrusting him into the light and sound and feeling of the world around him. He shifted uncomfortably, his back and shoulders aching like he’d tried to pick up Vinyl. The squeaky sound of his leather jacket grated on his ears, and he almost tugged it off before remembering the previous night.
Yeah. Best leave it on for now.
From his spot on the kitchen floor- of course he’d fallen asleep on the dirty chipped tile like an idiot- he could see the technicolor heads of Vamos and Vaya slumped on the couch, probably still asleep. Volume had disappeared from the table. He stood slowly, rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck with a wince at how loud it was in his head, and peeked his head to look out the gap made by the half wall. Vinyl’s recliner was empty.
Alright; two crewmates missing. Cool. Val glanced at the twins to make sure they were still asleep and went to the back door, easing it open and closing it as gently as possible behind him. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but anywhere was preferable than the Nest right now. There would be strangers showing up soon and he sure as hell couldn’t deal with that.
“Mornin’.”
Val jumped backward, hand flying to the empty spot where his holster should be and looking for the source of the voice. His gaze landed downwards, on the tired but not unhappy face of Vinyl. He gave a lopsided smile and a small wave, and Val braced himself on the wall with a quiet sigh.
“Talking, huh? What’s the occasion?” The sentence came out too forced. He was struggling to breathe and trying not to panic over it. Just be fucking normal, dammit, he’s talking to you.
Vinyl tilted his head in a noncommittal gesture and held up a bottle of water. Val took it with a too-shaky hand and took a sip. The water was a weird almost-lukewarm temperature and it made him want to gag. He handed the bottle back. “Where’s Volume?” He choked out.
“Bedroom,” Vinyl replied, then turned towards Val and lifted his hands to add “I think he’s awake.”
Val grimaced. “Is he still upset?”
Another certified Vinyl Shrug.
“Great.” Val was going to turn around and wallow somewhere private when Vinyl moved his hands again to get his attention.
“Are you still upset?” The intonation came in the form of a very sharp point towards Val on either end of the sentence. He glared at Vinyl, who was unfazed. Val wanted to snap at him, say something stupid like I’m fine or None of your business, but Vinyl had a way of making you so uncomfortable you said whatever was on your mind, and the rest of the crew were a bunch of emotional puppies that would stand around and look sad for him until he couldn’t take it anymore. And he was already tired from all the bullshit of yesterday, so he slid down the wall and sat next to Vinyl. I give up.
“I’m tired out,” he finally said. It was close enough to the truth. Vinyl nodded all sagely, like he was conquering Val’s emotional turmoil one quasi-therapeutic conversation at a time. And because of his quiet nature, Val was left to fill the space. Another cruel trick of fate that his mute friend was the one outside.
Then again, the only other person awake was Volume. He’d take what he could get. Val fiddled with his vampire necklace to look busy. “Did y’all hear anything yesterday?” Vinyl shook his head. Well, that’s one thing that’s gone right. It still made his stomach turn, though; that meant he really did have to tell them. He almost wished they could have overheard and made it their own problem. Any pitying looks he might have gotten would be better than this. “I kind of dropped a bomb on Vaya. Half expected them to tell you guys as soon as I fell asleep.” But while Vaya was a gossip, none of Val’s crew were like that. “I think I was trying to scare them off.” Surprise, asshole, your friends care about you. He brought a leg closer to his chest and picked at a hole that was forming on the knee. “But they just- stayed there. On the ground, like an arm’s-length away from me.” The lamplight had cast tiny gold flecks in their eyes. They’d looked horrified. He’d forgotten how big a deal it was. Til’ Vol unearthed all my bullshit with a single goddamn touch.
But Vaya didn’t leave, didn’t run out the door and tell the rest of the crew like the dark parts of his mind expected them to. Wanted them to. And some scared, animalistic, childish part of his brain trusted them because they’d saved him from a stupid fucking Drac earlier that day. “Are… are they okay?” He asked, sounding too worried for his own comfort.
Vinyl pursed his lips and stared out at the sand for a moment. When he did respond, it was a simple sea-saw motion, “Maybe.” Val tried to ignore the uneasy feeling that gave him and hugged both his knees to his chest, taking his own turn to stare at nothing.
“We’re all… concerned,” Vinyl said aloud. His voice was almost always little more than a mumble, something tired and under used, but familiar for Val and the others. “You don’t panic much.”
“I make a point of that,” Val snarked. Vinyl made a face at that. Val rolled his eyes. “Once in a lifetime experience to see it; shoulda sold tickets.”
“I’m not trying to make you talk-” Vinyl said, sounding annoyed. Val swallowed the rise of anxiety at the unusual sharpness in his voice. He continued in sign, “But don’t joke now.”
“I’m gonna attribute that blunt-ass phrasing to the sign or you’d be in a headlock right now.” Val ignored Vinyl’s incredulous look and continued, gradually increasing in volume, “I just want to be past it, okay? It happened or whatever. Whoop-de-fuckin’-do.” He was waving his hands around and ranting like a moron, but didn’t have the energy to keep himself in check. “I don’t wanna have to see Volume all guilty again. He doesn’t even know what he’s guilty for.”
“He would know if you told him.”
“That’s not the goal-!”
The door creaked open again. Val scrambled halfway to his feet before he saw Vamos poking their head out. “You’re being kind of loud,” they said tiredly.
Vinyl stood and walked past Val to open the door fully, holding it and staring at him. Val sighed and followed Vamos as they ducked back inside. Vinyl moved quickly to his right, and Val realized he was avoiding approaching him from behind. He burned with shame from needing something like that, but gave an appreciative nod nonetheless; Vinyl didn’t deserve any of his vitriol.
“Glad to see you’re alive,” Vamos mumbled. They leaned against the kitchen wall, staring at the spot where Val had fallen asleep. “Thought the Witch had kidnapped you when you weren’t still on the floor.”
Val glared at them and moved to pointedly walk out of the kitchen, but stopped when he saw Volume and Vaya sitting at the couch. God fucking stupid fucking god dammit why. He cringed when they both looked over and tried to look more angry than afraid when they stared at him all concerned. This is why he hated serious conversations; the fucking pity. It was the same as when they talked about their lives in the City. Val instantly regretted telling them anything, and regretted ever hearing the horrors his crewmates had gone through, too. He’d had it good, compared to them. And he knew they thought it, too. I don’t know why they haven’t kicked me out, I’m no better than a Crow.
But Vaya and Volume were watching him from the corners of their eyes and Val was just standing there doing nothing until he clumsily sat down at the table behind the couch, continuing to do nothing. Vamos was talking to Vinyl in the kitchen, but they were definitely watching him, too.
“The floor treat you alright?” Vaya said, their face carefully blank.
“You know, your sibling also felt the need to comment on where I slept,” Val growled. He could see the worry in Vaya’s eyes, and it made him want to tear his skin off. Don’t fucking look at me. He was still feeling a phantom pressure on his shoulder that got worse when he looked at Volume, which made him feel like shit. Volume hadn’t even tried to brush or wash out his hairspray from yesterday, flattened, disheveled spikes in place of his usual knots. Val hunched over and scratched at the table, staring intently at his chipped nail polish. He looked back up at Volume. “You look tired.”
“Thanks,” Volume replied sarcastically.
Val dug harder at the table, doing more damage to his nails than the wood. His crew knew that this was how he started difficult conversations. It was fine. But now that he’d said anything, he had to keep going. “It’s, like, a vicious combo, alright? I was already hurt, and then I was on my stomach, and then I got grabbed- not really grabbed, but it felt like it.” He could actually see Vamos and Vinyl now, Vamos sitting on the counter while Vinyl leaned against the doorframe in front of them. Val took sharp, uneven breaths as he felt eyes on him from all sides. He traced one of Vaya’s carvings- a lumpy-looking cat- until he could get a hold of his own thoughts. He reached for something, anything to say that could make this feel the slightest bit better, but found nothing. There was only the sting under his nails from digging too hard at the table.
“I’m really sorry about that,” Volume said quietly. Val bit back a growl. I know, dumbass, you said it already. But he was being aggressive and Volume was just trying to help and you still haven’t said anything, idiot, why do you think he thought he should respond?
He had to filter his stupid fucking defensiveness somehow, so he blurted, “It’s fine, ‘s not like you were trying to make a pass at me. Old habits die hard, y’know?” And of course Vaya looked fucking traumatized and everyone else wore similar expressions of shock and horror and fuck why couldn’t he just open up about this like a normal goddamn person? Vinyl was visibly stopping himself from walking over. Of course he wanted to be near Val right now, he was worried about his crewmate because that’s what he did, he fucking cared about people, and Vamos and Vaya were communicating who knows what with their sibling twin telepathy and Volume… Val couldn’t look at Volume yet. He didn’t want to see whatever fear or anger or pity was most definitely running rampant across his face. He didn’t want to see what he’d caused Volume to feel. Volume was supposed to be strong and vigilant and kickass and not as shaken up as he’d been since last night.
It was quiet again, or Val was assuming it was; his own inner panic was louder than anything else could possibly be right now and he just hoped no one was trying to talk to him. He considered running into the bedroom again, but someone would probably try to stop him this time or follow him in or something. The Ultra Vs were known for being stubborn, and that didn’t change when they were alone with each other.
They probably wanted him to talk. How long had it been? It could have been two seconds or an hour and Val would be unable to tell the difference. “Whatever you’re assuming is probably accurate,” he muttered. He could cut straight to the point in any conversation or altercation- except, it seemed, when he was supposed to be telling his friends something important. It was inconvenient and immature and he could only hope they’d be patient or at least quiet in their annoyance. He was tired and scared and angry at himself and the world for everything it had done to him.
This sucks, this sucks so bad. Val looked at Vaya. Please help. He hoped they would get the message somehow, but they just stared back at him, looking just as upset as they did last night. I have to do everything myself. His nail caught on a ragged part of the table and ripped slightly, not enough to reach his nail bed, but enough to startle him. He yanked his hand away from the table with a small noise in the back of his throat. “I’ve got big bad sex trauma, okay? It was a long time ago. I’ve always told you to stay away from my back anyway, nothing’s different.” He tore his nail the rest of the way across. Now he’d have to make the rest of them the same length. He wanted to say Can we just forget about this now, but no one ever wanted to drop bad subjects. They wanted to sit and talk about it and analyze every little thing related to it like they could go back in time and fix things.
If anyone had said something, Val hadn’t heard it.
Nevermind. He could hear Vaya murmur something to Vamos. They’d moved to the couch since Val last zoned out. He glanced around and saw Vinyl sitting on the floor near the kitchen, and Volume on the arm of the couch swinging one leg nervously. Val wanted to make some snide remark to Vaya about what they were talking about, but couldn’t find the anger in him to do it. They were probably saying something random, not talking about what they knew.
“I’m going out,” Val blurted, abruptly standing up from the table and power-walking to the door. His crew’s concerned voices mingled around him, but he ignored them, letting the door slam as he left. Someone was approaching the Nest and thank fuck he got out at the exact right moment. He’d leave for real this time and avoid the people seeking shelter from the midday sun, go wander the desert or find a building to explore- anything to get the nagging anxiety out of his fucking head.
He shouldn’t have said anything. He shouldn’t have told Vaya. He shouldn’t have lost control of himself when Volume touched him.
He shouldn’t have let himself get hurt in the first place.
While things were far from comfortable between The Ultra Vs, at least no one had any more mental breakdowns in the past few days. Other than Val’s palpable uneasiness.
Volume’s skin still crawled every time he looked at his crew leader. The thought of Val going through something so horrible as a child sickened him. He wished they’d met sooner, maybe if he’d had any friends then-
You can’t fix what’s already happened. Focus on what’s happening now. Val had friends now. None of them were leaving him to fend for himself. Val was just struggling to remember that.
Volume wasn’t going to fail anyone ever again.
Savior complexes aside, the Vs were at the market when he saw it. Several baggies of cone-shaped spiked studs. Volume stopped and stared at the stand. If Val couldn’t handle people touching him, what if he had an extra line of defense? There’s no way he’d agree to it, though. Not his stubborn leader. Volume would have to do it behind his back- no, as a surprise! A nice and thoughtful surprise, not behind his back. Val might have been a hardass, but he was bad at hiding his excitement when his crew remembered little things he liked when random gifts were involved. He’d guarded one of Vamos’ drawings on the whiteboard for weeks after they said it was for him.
It’ll be worth it. He glanced over at Vaya and Vamos chatting up someone selling bandanas, and Vinyl following behind Val as he aimlessly wandered. Thanking the Witch for the perfect opportunity, Volume quickly purchased as many bags as he could afford and ran back to catch up with the crew. Vaya caught sight of his haul and raised an eyebrow.
“Don’t you have enough spikes on that thing?” They asked playfully, looking Volume’s jacket up and down.
Anxiously aware of Val also looking at him, Volume snorted as casually as he could. “First of all: there is no such thing as enough- or too much- spikes. And who knows when I’ll be able to buy any next? I could break one tomorrow. Imagine if I didn’t get any and I was left stranded with a broken jacket.”
“Oh, the horror,” Vamos cawed, draping themselves dramatically over Vaya and fiddling with the visibly frayed thread of their sibling’s epaulette. Val rolled his eyes and it was the most normal Volume had seen him behave in days. He stamped down his excitement and stuffed the spikes in his bag.
When they made it back to the Nest, the sun was hanging low in the sky, the beginnings of pinks and oranges bleeding into the horizon. Even this early in the evening people were gathered in scattered groups outside, various lamps and glow in the dark bands dotting the scene. Killjoys waved and mumbled quiet hellos as the Vs passed through them. Volume vastly preferred the night crowd to the midday one, where people crammed together inside the Nest in a desperate attempt to escape the hottest time of the day. It was much calmer now, even with the occasional shouting and clattering of people chasing each other around or practicing shooting.
Vinyl made a beeline for the kitchen when they got inside and Volume followed him, leaving Vaya and Vamos to drag Val to the couch and join in on what looked like a heated debate. Vinyl gave him a questioning look as they crossed through the archway.
“I got the spikes for Val,” Volume whispered. He moved further in, standing next to the back door while Vinyl dug around in a cabinet. “I think we should put them on the shoulders of his jacket, so people can’t touch him unexpectedly. Will you help me?”
Vinyl’s hands stuttered, starting and stopping several times before he finally dropped them. “Is it okay to do it without telling him?”
“I think it should be fine,” Volume replied. “I was weighing it in my head before I bought them. If we do it after he falls asleep, we can finish before he wakes up.” Val usually slept well into the morning if he wasn’t bothered, and they only needed to cover a relatively small area on each shoulder. “We walked around a lot today so he’ll be tired. We can totally do it.”
“You’ve put a lot of thought into this.”
“I- I guess,” Volume mumbled. “I just- I still feel bad, okay? It’s my fault he freaked out. I want to fix it.”
“I get it,” Vinyl signed, then moved his raised hand to Volume’s shoulder with a small smile. His hand sat weird on top of the spikes on his own jacket.
“See what I mean?” Volume laughed.
Vinyl huffed a laugh, shooing Volume out of the kitchen. “I’ll join your plan, but I came here for a reason.” He picked up his backpack and put it on the counter, pointedly pulling out one of several cans that had yet to be shelved.
Volume saluted Vinyl and backed out of the kitchen. Two killjoys were hunched over together at the craft table, dumping an obscene amount of glitter on something that was unrecognizable under the pile of sparkles. Volume sat on the other end of the table and half-listened to the passionate rant about colors the one with a black streak in their hair was going on. Vinyl finished putting things away in the kitchen and immediately walked over to his broken recliner and picked up the same book he always read. Maybe Volume could find him a new one to thank him for helping.
As the hours passed killjoys gradually left to sleep in their own settlements or made their way to the Nest’s bedroom. At some point Vamos dragged Val and Vaya to “go the fuck to sleep” after the hundredth dip in conversation as the three of them lost their trains of thought, and Volume looked up to meet Vinyl’s eyes already on him. It was go time.
“Morning!” Volume said a little too loudly as soon as Val walked out of the bedroom. Val narrowed his eyes tiredly at him, running a hand over his messy hair. Volume adjusted his hold on the jacket behind his back. “I, uh, have a surprise for you.”
Val raised his eyebrows, but didn’t look distrusting yet.
“So- um. I thought that if you don’t like- like being touched unexpectedly, then maybe you could have… kind of a barrier?” He sighed, not looking at Val as he continued, “Y’know what, let me just show you-” Volume held out the jacket, new spikes glinting in the skewed sunlight. “Vinyl helped,” he finished shyly.
When he looked at Val, he was staring wide-eyed at the jacket. He didn’t look mad- not yet, at least. No one spoke as Val stepped forward and ghosted a hand over the spikes. Volume held his breath when he grabbed it gently.
“I- thank you,” he said quietly.
“Really?” Volume wheezed.
Val draped the jacket over his arm, hugging it to his chest. “Yeah. This is- this is great, actually.” His face was entirely flushed, and he dug his fingers into the leather. “You guys did this all last night?”
Volume laced his fingers together. “Yeah, it only took a few hours with Vinyl working on it.” Vinyl shifted next to him, and when Volume looked up he was smiling.
Val stared down at the jacket again, contemplating something, then laid it on the table and all but fell forwards to wrap his arms tightly around Volume.
Volume, who was definitely not frozen in shock trying to puzzle together what had just happened, thank you very much.
He was dimly aware of Vinyl blanketing the both of them in a hug of his own, and fuck it was getting warm. Val was like a fucked up furnace, how did he wear leather 24/7? Volume tried not to feel weird as it occurred to him that he had never actually… felt… Val’s arms. And maybe someone else would have waxed poetic about armor and vulnerability and humanity but Volume was only just now remembering that hugs were usually a two-way thing, and he gingerly looped his own arms behind Val.
There was a beat, and Val wriggled his way out of four affectionate arms and threw his jacket on. He ran a hand over the spikes again and looked back up at Volume and Vinyl. His face had gone flat again, but there was a grateful shine in his eyes.
The door slammed open and everyone flinched, but it was only Vaya and Vamos returning from Destroya knows where, chatting unintelligibly about something until they appeared in the living room.
“Yooooooo,” Vamos exclaimed, bounding over to inspect Val’s shoulders, “Wicked fucking spikes, Val, when did that happen?”
“Vinyl and Volume did it last night,” Val said, looking remarkably less anxious than usual.
“That’s awesome, it adds some much needed flair,” Vaya remarked, standing next to Volume. They looked over Val nervously, but broke into a smile when Vamos looped an arm around his as they talked excitedly about other modifications they could make. Val didn’t look too convinced.
Vinyl nudged Volume’s arm. “Good idea,” he signed when Volume looked over. Volume smiled and shoved his hands in his jeans pockets. Even though a simple scattering of spikes on his shoulders wouldn’t fix Val’s issues, it looked like they had gotten through to him, just a little. Val’s playful exasperation had finally returned as the twins hovered around him the way they always did, and things didn’t feel tense for the first time that week.
Whatever Val was dealing with, the Ultra Vs would help him. And it looked like Val knew that now.